1. Choose your workout clothes wisely. What do you want people to know about you and your gym habits as soon as they look at you? If you're supremely confident in your physique, wear spandex. And if you're self-conscious about your extra rolls, wear spandex anyways. The confidence will follow once your outfit convinces everyone else how serious you are about your workouts. Alternatively, if you want people to know for sure that you're sweating more (and therefore working harder) than them, wear a wool hat, fleece sweatshirt, and cotton sweatpants. Preferably all in gray. Other options include boxer shorts with an undone fly; saggy, unlaced combat boots; and t-shirts with sleeve holes down to your hips. Keep in mind: your main goal is to bring as much attention to yourself as possible.
A special note for the ladies: If you have breast implants, don't bother with a bra. Also, it is recommended that women working out before 7am wear makeup similar to what they would apply before hitting the clubs on a Saturday night.
2. Grunt. With each motion of exertion, let out either a YA, EHH, or SSSSS. After each grunt, pant heavily two times, and then repeat. Remember, the more enthusiastic your grunts, the more people who will look in your direction and admire your strength and endurance.
If you're not quite comfortable with the world of grunting, you are welcome to narrate your workout to someone on your cell phone, giggle maniacally when you fall over mid-lunge, or wail miserably in the face of your personal trainer.
3. Since you've been working so much harder than everyone else, feel free to take a rest on the machine you've just been using. No one else needs to use it as badly as you need to bring your heart rate back to its resting level. And what better place to do that than on the thing you're already sitting on?
On a related note, never reset the machine to its original state. If other people really want to use it, they won't mind putting away your weights and dragging your weight bench across the gym to its proper location. If you can't teach them to really want it, then who can?
4. Men: look at every woman's butt as she walks by. Throw in an eyebrow raise, appreciate frown, or brief nod to maximize the flattering effect. Women want to know their time at the gym is paying off. If you're not ready to deliver this overt compliment, practice by looking at her butt in the mirrors. She'll never know.