Sunday, August 23, 2009

Waiting.

Current location: Dad’s office, Tri-Lakes Chapel, Monument, Colorado.
Current book: Much Ado About Nothing
Current countdown: 35 days, 12 hours until take-off

I’ve had this blog set up for months, but I keep waiting for something significant to happen to warrant the first entry.  I considered writing about getting my acceptance letter from Regent’s Park College, which luckily came on my last day at Jewell.  Buying my plane ticket seemed momentous enough, and even getting my fingerprints scanned in a small office in a strip mall on Colfax showed promise in serving as The Official Beginning of My British Life.  But none of these events motivated me the way I had thought they would.  I thought surely, with each small step completed, I’d feel closer to actually arriving at my flat in Oxford.


Instead, I feel just as far away as I did in March of my senior year of high school, when I officially decided to join the Oxbridge Honors Program at William Jewell College.  I guess it makes this blog more fitting—I am still waiting, just the same as I have been for the past three(ish) years.
I will say this, though: There is an indirectly proportional relationship between the amount of days left and my level of anxiety.  I am increasingly unsettled here.  It’s been a lonely summer, and I’m desperate to get back to normalcy—i.e. lots of homework and lots of friends.


I don’t feel like I have any right to be down right now, but I really am.  I mean, I’m getting ready to embark on the coolest year of possibly my whole life, and I’m sad.  I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the homesickness, both for my family and Jewell.  I have tried telling myself over and over to have grace with myself, that by acknowledging that yes, it will be hard and that yes, I am going to miss the Jewell community—somehow just acknowledging it will make it easier.  If I’m prepared and on my guard, maybe I can accept a certain amount of homesickness and move on. But already, its weight has begun to settle on my heart.  Last Thursday several of my friends started moving in, and I was getting texts the whole day about how great it was to be back on the Hill and how fantastic it was to see everyone again.  I just hate that I can’t be a part of that this year.  Hate that my reunion is delayed.


I’m going to be honest with you and tell you my biggest fear right now.  It’s not that my visa won’t come in time.  It’s not that I have to get from Heathrow to my home in Oxford all by myself with two giant suitcases and a backpack.  It has nothing to do with England.  My biggest fear is centered on Jewell’s campus from now until September 28th.  In the summertime, everyone misses everyone, and it’s completely natural to work to keep in touch with each other.  Here’s the fear: I’m afraid everyone will return to Jewell, be surrounded by friends again, and I’ll be out of the loop for the next 35 days.


Consider this blog to be my half of the loop.  I’m looking forward to writing about all my adventures, because I know I’ll have plenty.  It seems I have a penchant for attracting dramatic situations.  In this blog, I am going to tell you the truth, and I will refrain from disclaimers as much as I can.  I do apologize for getting off to a depressing start.  It’s a fitting introduction; the journey leading to this point has been fraught with worry as well as excitement.


To try to end on a happier note, here are three things I’m very much looking forward to:
  1. My tutorials—Shakespeare and Post-colonial lit.
  2. My first visit to commune with the spirits of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien at the Eagle and Child.
  3. Ron Weasley.

By the way, the URL of this blog is taken from this poem by Emily Dickinson.